Protea and Flux
Hello world!
Not that the world is really watching. Here are some thoughts I'd like to catalogue - I'd forgotten I started this blog until today actually.
Growing up, I was never a very decisive person. I spent large amounts of time flipping back and forth when trying to choose anything, whether that be between two varieties of apple at a grocery store, what university to go to, or whether to quit band or not. Through the last 2 years of college, I think I've gotten a lot better at not doing this, though now I have this weird habit of having chunks of time I dedicate to indulging in overanalyzing decisions. (i.e. allowing myself to spend a stupidly long time deciding on vegetables at Hmart exactly once a month). I have also gotten to an age where I realize that very few decisions actually branch into scenarios of significantly different overall valence when compared to each other.
Since last August, I have made a series of very quick decisions that felt very 'right' and solid each time. First of these was the decision to graduate a year early and go to trade school for concept art afterwards, ideally never going into computer science at all. It was a thought that occurred to me on a Monday, that settled into stone by Wednesday. Then in December due to some other circumstances, I decided instead hold off on graduating early, getting a job in computer science for a year, then taking off to go to trade school. This too came to mind and cemented to action in the span of a few days. Then in early January, it occurred to me that the job of a tattoo artist was a lot more of the things I wanted out of a career than being a concept artist. It took a bit longer for this idea to attach to my reality, but really it was only a week max.
Each time I came to one of these decisions, it felt very much permanent - each time, I began to make the appropriate changes to my life to prepare for going down that path, certain that it was the plan that I was finally going to stick with. And it's been very easy to justify it more as 'I was reacting to new information and new circumstances each time.', than to think of it as whimsy.
However, I wonder if continuing this way means I'm never going to make anything with myself? I think I have grown out of wanting to be famous, or of being accomplished on paper. But I still want to use my life to make things that are significant in some way, either to myself or to others. It seems that unless I stick with something for a good long while, there's no way I will get proficient enough at whatever it is to do that.
I've recently started drawing protea flowers a lot (below is one I drew on Megan's leg a few nights ago:)
Flux is a term used in a variety of scientific/engineering contexts that generally means 'continuous change'.
Recently, I've heard the word 'intentionality' in conjunction with many people's thoughts on design, or living their lives, or spending time in certain ways. I wonder whether in the case of my life though, changing with will really means anything if I am doing it continuously. I guess it's not necessarily bad - I just haven't lived enough life yet to decide if that's what I want. The artists I admire and am inspired by the most have spent much of their lives working on their one thing - but also a life in which I go do and experience a lot of different areas seems pretty interesting and amazing. Maybe it's because I still irrationally feel in the back my mind that I will likely die before I turn 40, that I feel like I need to know which type of life I'll end up living.
That's not much time to dither with.
Not that the world is really watching. Here are some thoughts I'd like to catalogue - I'd forgotten I started this blog until today actually.
Growing up, I was never a very decisive person. I spent large amounts of time flipping back and forth when trying to choose anything, whether that be between two varieties of apple at a grocery store, what university to go to, or whether to quit band or not. Through the last 2 years of college, I think I've gotten a lot better at not doing this, though now I have this weird habit of having chunks of time I dedicate to indulging in overanalyzing decisions. (i.e. allowing myself to spend a stupidly long time deciding on vegetables at Hmart exactly once a month). I have also gotten to an age where I realize that very few decisions actually branch into scenarios of significantly different overall valence when compared to each other.
Since last August, I have made a series of very quick decisions that felt very 'right' and solid each time. First of these was the decision to graduate a year early and go to trade school for concept art afterwards, ideally never going into computer science at all. It was a thought that occurred to me on a Monday, that settled into stone by Wednesday. Then in December due to some other circumstances, I decided instead hold off on graduating early, getting a job in computer science for a year, then taking off to go to trade school. This too came to mind and cemented to action in the span of a few days. Then in early January, it occurred to me that the job of a tattoo artist was a lot more of the things I wanted out of a career than being a concept artist. It took a bit longer for this idea to attach to my reality, but really it was only a week max.
Each time I came to one of these decisions, it felt very much permanent - each time, I began to make the appropriate changes to my life to prepare for going down that path, certain that it was the plan that I was finally going to stick with. And it's been very easy to justify it more as 'I was reacting to new information and new circumstances each time.', than to think of it as whimsy.
However, I wonder if continuing this way means I'm never going to make anything with myself? I think I have grown out of wanting to be famous, or of being accomplished on paper. But I still want to use my life to make things that are significant in some way, either to myself or to others. It seems that unless I stick with something for a good long while, there's no way I will get proficient enough at whatever it is to do that.
I've recently started drawing protea flowers a lot (below is one I drew on Megan's leg a few nights ago:)
The genus Protea was named after the Greek god Proteus because different species within the genus looked so different, and Proteus is a god who can change form at will.
Flux is a term used in a variety of scientific/engineering contexts that generally means 'continuous change'.
Recently, I've heard the word 'intentionality' in conjunction with many people's thoughts on design, or living their lives, or spending time in certain ways. I wonder whether in the case of my life though, changing with will really means anything if I am doing it continuously. I guess it's not necessarily bad - I just haven't lived enough life yet to decide if that's what I want. The artists I admire and am inspired by the most have spent much of their lives working on their one thing - but also a life in which I go do and experience a lot of different areas seems pretty interesting and amazing. Maybe it's because I still irrationally feel in the back my mind that I will likely die before I turn 40, that I feel like I need to know which type of life I'll end up living.
That's not much time to dither with.
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